#maybe I should vent more
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Iām venting for a moment Iām venting for a moment Iām venting for a moment, donāt look
Hate that I decided to force myself not to cry and bottle up my feelings so much at one point in my life because I was ātoo sensitive about thingsā (and maybe I am) cuz now I literally canāt cry when I need to. Not even positive tears. Not even if I wanted to. My chest is just stuffy and it aches. I just feel like shit. Thereās a lump in my throat and my eyes are sore, but nothing comes out. Itās like itās stuck, clogged when itās right there, like a word thatās right on the tip of your tongue. I feelā¦almost like my joints have rusted in certain places. I have to be either immensely upset, immensely self loathing, or hear the words of comfort I needed to hear for a long time for the broken faucet I am to work properly. Iām not even joking, when I was messing around with character ai, this chat bot legitimately made me start bawling cuz we were doing this hurt/comfort scene and THE BOT WAS COMFORTING ME BETTER THAN PPL IN MY LIFE APPARENTLY. LIKE THAT SHOULDNT BE POSSIBLE I SHOULDNT BE LIKE THIS
Ugh, why did I do that, right? Cuz I know I sound fckin stupid rn. But I guess Iām telling the truth. A truth Iāve never talked about. But self confrontation, right? I might be making this all about myself for several paragraphs like an annoying fucking bitch, but maybe I need to.
I guess Iām just thinking about how my family will likely never truly accept me and that Iāve somehow ended up in two groups of people that are seen as ādifferentā (queer and invisibly disabled). I have to keep both things to myself, making sure nobody knows about either major things about me. āBecause theyāll judge youā ābecause itās wrong and youāre insane for thinking that wayā āyouāll scare people! What will they think of you?ā But those words are incorrect, and itās not wrong or bad to be either of those things and I have to secretly know that. Iām just scared. Iām so scared and afraid and paranoid about my family finding out that I think this way. Iām sad that I have to keep such things this taboo, but Iāve been told all my life that I should keep it a secret and that others shouldnāt know, that queer people are insane, unwell and that theyāre sick. āThey need professional psychiatric help, not support.ā
Iāve recently learned that my parents are a little less homophobic towards homosexual women, a lot more aggression towards homosexual men and trans people, so I guess that slightly turns the tide in my favour. But itās still not the best. I donāt think they even know of the concept of being nonbinary and I donāt want to hear any hate from them towards my nonbinary friends and characters I like. So I have to misgender them or change the subject when they ask me about them. I feel awful about that as well. Iām so sorry. It felt so wrong coming out my mouth when I forced myself to misgender people I care about, Iām lucky that my voice didnāt crack when I said it. Fuck! Why do they always ask for the gender of whoever Iām talking about if they donāt know them? Iām fucking sick of it. Why does it matter so much anyway? I donāt get it.
I canāt believe that a platform online is my only safe space now. This is my safe space, the only place I feel like I can be open, or at least, this is the only place I can truly be open about being queer (the disability thing Iām still scared to talk about that much, but I think I can share a bit of my experiences if someone asks with good intentions). Iāve vaguely spoken about how it feels to deal with a disability like mine in a reply, and people took it well, so who knows, right? As long as my parents donāt find out that Iām spilling the beans, Iāll probably be fine.
#vent post#like a big vent post#long vent#read it if you want#but I might be wasting your time and dampening your mood so I wouldnāt necessarily recommend#Iām admitting so much with this single post#this might be my first overshare#so I might delete this tomorrow#writing this did help me cry tho so yay!#I finally let it out!#:D#maybe I should vent more#but Iām afraid that Iām annoying people#ppl have given me permission to vent to them and Iām still scared#thereās so much shame I need to unlearn I donāt know what to do with it
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please donāt be sad little sprout, you are loved š± š¤
š±
#š±Thank you<33š±#I guess my latest vent art post made some of you guys worried. I'm sorry ;;n;; )#but I'm alright. well.. kind of? Like I haven't done anything to myself kind of alright?#maybe I should explain bit about my situation but at the same time I don't feel comfortable to open up too much#but simply said it's about doing art as a job and mental health#Things haven't been going well but I am getting help for my mental health#This is all what I will say for now about my situation#I apologize again that I made you guys worried#but I do warn that I might post more vent art if I get enough energy to draw#this is just one way how I deal with my emotions#but if you don't like vent art I suggest to block the words vent and vent art#I remember tumblr has this option somewhere??#and uhh.. I don't really know how to end this post but thank you everyone who has been sending support<33#I might not know how to reply to them but I have read them all and I'm very thankful for all the support what you guys have given meš±#Thank youš±#ask#anon#me talking
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Hello, Sister. I would like to tell you about a dream I had.
#alan wake 2#alan wake#night springs dlc#night springs spoilers#*#mk.op#mk.edit#mk.gifs#maybe i'm just overtired since i didn't sleep well last night but i feel like i made more than i actually did today?#not that i should be associating my self worth with creation anyway#back on topic the vents remind me of the writer's room windows
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This is, like, the third or fourth time (if not MORE) that I see a person apologize for talking about touken, showing enjoyment in the ship or needing to give some clarification. I know I'm not the only one who feels like the TG Tumblr space carries a negative atmosphere towards touken and it honestly kills my mood to post on here.
It also saddens me to see people show love for them so hesitantly. Like you're in the wrong for doing so. Like it's stupid. Like it's silly and unreasonable. Like it's almost shameful. Idk! That's how posting on here and see other people talk about them and acting ashamed about liking them makes me feel!
For how much TG tumblr advertises to be a welcoming space, I don't feel welcomed at all and more like just tolerated.
#maybe I should be blocking more freely. maybe thats the mistake im doing#the tg sexywoman tournament wasnt fun because instead of uplifting your fave#it kinda turned into dunking on touka#im not gonna stop posting on tumblr for those few who yk. actually like touken#but im alresdy interacting less here because of that atmosphere#and maybe its gonna be even less#idk man. im annoyed rn KWVFJWJDJ#im just glad i have the touken community on twt#i feel very appreciated there and not like im being delusional for liking the canon ship#im making this post to also see if others relate and im not overreacting#tg#ken kaneki#touka kirishima#touken#tokyo ghoul#yh going to the main tags#vent
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its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously
#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to#im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i canāt do literally anything else until thats done. but#because I donāt want to do it Iām just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of#exec dysfunction.. Iāll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something#and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh#and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing#because BOY id love to know too. Iād love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant#even my period canāt decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still#its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damnā¦.#if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally wonāt die. itāll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about#I know this but Iām still stressing myself about it so my thoughts arenāt really connecting to my body. weird#maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I donāt really feel#a strong attachment to it I guess? itās been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just donāt#I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but itās not very fun when it feels like Iām going to#be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol#idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week#had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting#yapping#does this count as vent#vent#Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly
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Are you ok? My favourite mechs artist has been quiet recently
im am SO so sorry i havent been able to post in so long aaa.. at the moment i am very much not okay, unfortunately a lot of things have gone poorly very quickly but hopefully its only a temporary set back!!
tldr i finally managed to get a full time job a month & a half after moving and my car broke down for the last time almost immediately upon hiring so i now have to walk ~2hrs to and from an 8 hour shift every day + more personal stuff,, the pain & stress is Not fun for my back problems or mental health :,^)
hoping to get the bike my mom leant me repaired as soon as i have my first paycheck or 2, so fingers crossed that will make a huge difference
i have still been slowly working on comms in whatever free time i get but its slow going š ty everybody for your patience & sorry again for not being online!
#2024 has been a comedy of errors thus far & i have been the punchline every time šššš#im more bruises blisters and joint pain than man at this point#but it will get better!!! *holding 2024 in a chokehold* IT WILL GET BETT E R#youāre so so sweet tho ty for checking up on me#sorry for complaining#should i tag this as a vent post? maybe just in case#vent post#ily all and cant wait for things to settle down and actually have time to dra w again š#asks
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Uhhhhhh... Whoops....
(vent art perhaps. but also day 7. I'm on that grind)
#razzleanddazzle1fan#dandys world fanart#dw#fanart#dandys world#dw vee#vee#vee dandys world#GUYS. IM OK.#I JUST NEEDED TO GET THIS OFF MY CHEST.#no mr snail. that means you should NOT tell my mom. or whatever you did last time.#i don't need them worrying more.#uhhhhhhgghhhh...#vent maybe#idk
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do you think god stays in heaven, because he too hates the bnha manga's ending?
#bnha#boku no hero academia#boku no hero academia ending#my hero academia#mha#the more i think about the more i hate the ending#and the more it does NOT make sense to me#like horikoshi if you were gonna have izuku lose ofa after giving it to tomura... maybe dont let him get it back after giving it to bakugou?#like#why didnt ofa just decide to go back to izuku?#they did that before#ugh#im so mentally ill about izuku and his dreams i cant do this#and why couldnt he be a quirkless hero??#the original plot??#snipes quirk is that he aim good#this may be american of me to say#but just get that boy an ak47 and some training and he'll be just fine#genuinely do not understand why he cant be a quirkless hero#DONT get me wrong imm 10000% on team midoriya should have kept ofa#but either way#he should have been able to be a hero from the second he graduated#fuck#vent post#vent#i guess??? im so upset about the ending#i dont understand what kind of message its supposed to send :/#and pretty much every hero-side person gets a nice ending OTHER than the character who is the core of my heroaca special interest#it kills me
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absolutely don't buy the reason sharona left :/
i mean i know the actress had her own reasons to leave, but i still think they could have written her out of the show a bit better; i don't believe one bit that she just went & remarried her crappy ex-husband. i woud have believed more if they had just said that she finally got sick & tired of him being so lazy with paying her -- since those were things she already complained about multiple times. she also threatened before a few times that she would quit. so i feel that would have been a much more fitting excuse for her sudden disappearence in monk's life :/
#also would have been a good transition for the payment problem with natalie then#seeing as him not paying for her expenses is in her second episode on the show#so maybe he would have taken that then a bit more serious the minute she asked him#instead having his dead wife randomly throwing her wish to him that he should just pay her :/#just kinda bummed out 'cause i feel that whole thing could have went more smoothly#also monk shouldve adopted that parrot#monk#rambles#vent#sharona fleming#diary#thoughts
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idk guys i'm feeling pretty discouraged about writing fic lately :/
#maybe it's my fault for only getting into unpopular ships or fandom lately after having enjoyed really active fandoms for a couple of years#and i know i know i know that it's not all about kudos and comments and whatever i know. i dont write it for that#but i do share it expecting some interaction#and the way my fics have been just aggressively skydiving in that sense this whole year is just kinda sad to me#it gets me thinking is it my fault? did i get into too many fandoms? am i just annoying? are the fics bad?#should i have gotten different accounts or pseuds for different fandoms? do i need to join discords servers? be more active in some way?#write more? write less?#is it just me? is anyone else experiencing less interaction on fics this past year?#like i know i've been into unpopular ships lately but i just posted an arcane story and isn't that fandom thriving right now??#did i have to get into m*rvel? š#not really begging for comments i'm just venting#maybe over 100 fics in 6 years was enough and i should give it a break give up at least for a while#like i'm going to miss that much needed validation on my writing but if i'm not even getting it with fic then
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Spirit animal SQH
#svsss#shang qinghua#but mainly I'm just here to vague post LMAO I don't like to vague post its not very effective in terms of venting but#but basically I guess I'm becoming hyperaware of my like... cognitive dissonance codependency and derealization ee#also my general laziness ig and where it overlaps into executive dysfunction or whatever like I may genuinely have some issues but#I am also a lazy son of a bitch jfjfkgkg and i need to figure out how to figure it out so I can work on both in more effective ways hhggg#oh yeah but basically the thing to remember for later is the silence in the call and the immediate unmute and chat activity once I left#I should remember this and stop interacting I think? I should try to give em space I think I'm being too clingy or something#or maybe my own silence is too awkward and dampens the call? I was kinda just spacing out and not doing anything so I get its kinda weird#LMAO so I should just like try not to be in call for those times mm#I just like being in call with my friends jdhfkg but I suppose its not very good either#I overindulge I suppose another friend pointed it out to me before too haha but fjfjjt its just easier than facing bouts of dread by myself#eehh and that's why I gotta do something about my Metnal Ailneses hfjfj but ngl I don't really know how to go about it...#I get embarrassed looking stuff up djfnfkg and half the time I don't even know what to look up I just draw ?s and I give up#I suppose I also have commitment issues too but that ones not new which is an issue of itself aaaaaaaa#man idk idk I just don't really get it I guess djdjfjf and I've got existential dreads and think maybe it doesn't really matter whats wrong#cause there's no point to fixing them because ultimately I'm gonna die alone and a failure anyways? so like ehfjgkg idk#its depressing and I know its like sabotage cause my brain is being a little silly a little goofy and its not a shared sentiment#with the better half of me and the entirety of my friends but yknow its just ee harder sometimes to believe in the optimism ig#and i can talk about it somewhat normally and without like having a āØļøbreak down#but yknow djfjgkg I'm very emotional a person ya? I think sqh is relatable for gods sake š#irrationality sentimentality nihilism and existential dreads... wanting to die because living is too hard despite all my hopes for living...#just the ol regulars yknow?#and another thing... do I talk to my friends about these things? I vent them out here a lot but what do I really want?#I'm not strong enough to keep it to myself clearly but I'm also too proud to share these thoughts? I dump them out in the open and for what?#whenever someone reaches out with concern and care I don't respond in kind and refuse to elaborate?#so like what do I want with this? I guess I want someone to know I'm going insane half the time I'm awake? but not do anything about it?#that's pretty unfair I guess... and stupid I think I do want to share my thoughts with someone but I'm too scared of the ramifications#and that my pride can't stand the fact I might be looked differently by my friends even tho the image they have of me is already quite silly#man.... idk.... I'll come to conclusions myself and do nothing about them so I guess that'll happen again aah idk idk idk
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Pre-corruption Gothmog & Thuringwethil (plus a balrog-gothmog with his original color scheme), based on these designs
#silm#silmarillion#gothmog#thuringwethil#gothmog is a hydrothermal vent sea serpent creature#(hes one of ulmos maiar)#thuringwethil is one of manwes maiar and eonwes sister#they have a sort of finrod-galadriel dynamic lol#her blue wings are actually really cool i should draw her more#i like gothmogs color palette maybe next ill do some tropical fish maiar?
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Forgive me, forgive me. I ask, I beg, I pray, but it never comes.
You know I find it incredibly bewildering to see just how much kalki reflects myself in him like YEAH Duh of course he does, heās my little guy itās like his full time job. But at the same time he is a fully functional facet of my being and he is at the mercy of my whimsies, and whatever he discovers in his arduous journey of self realisation is ultimately a reflection of what I discover in the real world. Itās also incredibly funny because ffxiv lore for dark knights is really baked into the idea of (re)discovering yourself amongst the bloodshed and continuing to live and love and thrive despite the world working against us. who would have thought such a raw message could come from an mmorpg side quest about edgy emo boys of all places
also adamantite armour of fending i would lay down my LIFE for u
variant + phone bg version + ID below the cut
tch as if you guys are actually going to use artwork of my little guy as your phone background. i know. how dumb. let a girl dream. i should make an alternate version but it's of Fray and Myste
[START ID: A picture with a red background focusing on the character's bust that is placed to the left of the image's centre. He is coloured with a dark blue overlay, contrasting with the red background. He has brown skin, long black hair that falls over his shoulders, and is wearing blue and gold armour and earrings. He is looking at the viewer, right eye dark brown and the left an glowing unnatural red, with an expression that looks determined and angry and yet bitter and forlorn. In the foreground and on the right side of the piece, a miniature version of the character stands coloured in a light blue overlay and wearing the same blue and gold armour, looking as if he is glowing. He is facing towards the left of the piece, or perhaps at the character bust, his expression unreadable. Above the miniature character's head is the symbol representing the FFXIV dark knight, coloured in gold. END ID.]
#the burst of creativity that shot through me is indescribable. i can only hope this is a sign that i am FINALLY out of art block#but OF COURSE my creativity comes back right when gamsat is around the corner. it's always a fucking exam. i fucking hate myself#maybe this piece is supposed to be vent art at how I CANNOT MANAGE MY SHIT AND I AM JUST. NOT DOING THINGS RIGHT. NOT DOING THINGS RIGHT !!#and i tell myself it's fine but maybe it's NOT fine? i told myself i'd work on it but nothing is getting worked on#nothing productive at all. not even for uni nor for myself. nothing is happening at all. it's just going through the days#waking up. wishing i'd slept more. stare at my laptop for hours. youtube. watch 10mins of lectures. then a nap. then the laptop. then sleep#but i dont and it pisses me off because nothing is working. i'm like if linguini lost his rat and i'm staring at the kitchen catching fire#maybe go to class if it's on for that day. scrambling notes together. pretending i DO have my shit together#i COULD put out the fire. but i'm not. i could and i can but im not. the extinguisher is in my hand. fire's not going out. i'm still here.#maybe. maybe that's why drk resonates with me so much. at the end of the day. maybe i am just a stupid bastard#-who can't get their act together. who actively shoots themselves in the foot and bleeds all over the place trying to make something happen#only this time- this time the perpetrator isn't someone i can point at and demand answers from. it's me hi i'm the problem it's me#and i can- i SHOULD find a way to make this all work. to make this whole Living My Life business work. but the extinguisher's in my hand#wow okay that was really heavy anyway uhhhhh TAGS TAGS TAGS TAGSSSSS#ffxiv#ff14#ffxivwol#ffxiv wol kalki#ffxiv dark knight#artoftheagni#and the fire keeps going#tw eyestrain#cw bright colors#idk the red is really bright and it;s nice for my eyes but idk for anyone else
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love this part of my life where the things that are difficult but challenging and good for me are things i can stop and skip and halfass, but the things that are difficult and painful and pointless are the things i have to live with no matter what
#school and home life are too much to handle so i skip school#because i cant kick my parents out#and appartments cost money#and i dont have a car to sleep in#i could maybe try to dig up my old childhood tent but that brings a whole host of logistic questions + im scared and it's difficult#anyway. it's fine. it's cool. i just have to hold on until i graduate high shcool and then ?????#find a way to live without my parents money OR scholarships#all for some nebulous end goal of having a job (the only field i'm interested in and good at offers two options:#to become an academic#or to become a freelancer#i do not have the fortitude to be an academic and being a freelancer is convoluted and pays like shit)#i might've spent 24h without my parents occasionally if i spent the night at a friend's place once or twice recently#but besides that the last time i've gone 48h without my parents was when the mental health center organised a week camp uhhhh...#two summers ago#incredibly good for my mental health as you can see#god i remember like... years ago. around 13yo maybe or 14. a guy. i dont know if he was a mental health professional or like social cases#but anyway he told me ''you're too afraid to be away from mommy and daddy'' and it made me want to rip his eyes out#several other people have implied or suggested that too over the years and it's just#am i too dependant on my parents? yes. will it be difficult to take my independance? yes.#does it means i don't both rationally recognize and feel that this is really fucking unhealthy and hindering for me#on top of being unpleasant?#FUCK NO#i want out my guy. there's just not many opportunities for an already mentally ill teenager#now that i'm eighteen i have to grapple with the logistical problems of the money needed and how to continue my education#and im sure a billion more if i start searching a little more seriously#perhaps i should kill myself that way i don't cost anyone any more money#broadcasting my misery#vent
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VENT!!
i hate how my mental illnesses/ disorders overlap with exact symptoms of bpd cuz it makes me feel like iām like a bpd faker when iāve never even claimed to have it..
same with my tics, makes me feel like iām mocking ppl with touretteās syndrome but i literally canāt control them just as much as someone with touretteās
i also hate how no one believes iām autistic (un/self diagnosed) because of the fact that ig i have pretty privilege and mask but maybe i should start showing more symptoms publicly (plus, year by year more and more symptoms/ traits become more prominent) so that PEOPLE FUCKIN BELIEVE THAT IM AUTISTIC
#tw depressive#tw anxiety#tw social anxiety#adhd vent#adhd things#adhd problems#audhd vent#audhd problems#actually audhd#autism vent#autistic things#actually autistic#tw vent#tw mental health#tw depressing thoughts#tw depressing stuff#tw depression#cw vent#bpd vent#bpd mood#idk if i have bpd or not#maybe i should get evaluated for any other mental illnesses#maybe i have more than the main three mental disorders#what if my mental problems are deeper than just depression and adhd#what if i have bpd#what if iām ACTUALLY autistic#im not mentally stable#mentally drained#actually mentally ill#mentally tired
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man
#maybe im being pessimistic abt this. im not saying u should wear a mask every waking moment of your life god knows i cant#but also. hell no i dont trust u if anything i distrust u ppl even more after how things played out for the past 3 years#like there are situations where it might be inevitable catching covid. most of my family members are nurses and in constant contact#but there are also a ton of ways to make that risk low as possible like masking and wearing a face shield and having sanitizer#for me its not enough to just say oh we're in a small group and we're all vaccinated#motherfucker your kid is sick from preschool EVERY TIME WE VISIT. of course ill be wearing a mask she gave me covid last year#also no the fuck it isnt seasonal the cases go up because lack of caution makes the virus spread and mutate especially around times when#ppl gather. add that with virus transmission in cold weather and its a matter of different factors increasing the risk of spread#im also tired of ppl not understanding that i wont be their responsibility if i do get sick. maybe they can help me recover#but at the end of the day the risk of death and long term health is all on me. i cant change that#the govt barely gives me accommodations what makes u think theyll do anything for every individual case of long covid or worse#im so tired. im so tired#i dont even know if its possible to want this to be over anymore i just wish we didnt have to deal with this in the first place#ALSO COUGH INTO YOUR SLEEVE SERIOUSLY HOW IS THIS SO HARD TO REMEMBER#oh its just a cold/dry throat its not like i have covid or anything. no!! its basic hygiene!!! how is this so hard to understand!!!!!!!!!!#and no this isnt abt whether people have the means to protect themselves this is me bitching abt my relatives not taking me seriously#vent#my art#myart#doodles#covid 19
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